Dealing with peoples' reactions to your building a new home?

B STAR · Aug 07, 2014 6:14 pm

Ponzu

there is another aspect to this -

some people who are building cant help but rub others up the wrong way about it - EG they bang on about how much their marble tiles from Italy are costing, or their ebony floors, or how their home theater has cost a fortune in soundproofing for their 2000w hummel and klein audio set up.

Sometimes those people deserve a punch in the face.

As to those who are really casual about it, i get it, sometimes people are just jealous, and sometimes are disappointed that their life choices haven't put them where you are. I try to read my audience and adjust the conversation accordingly. Friends thinking about embarking on the journey are curious, poorer friends don't want to hear about it.

if youre getting snide comments or jealousy try and asses what you've just said, or how you've been acting. Its quite often the source of why people respond the way they do (not the other way around). It can be very sobering when you get called out on it.

I think just talking about it can annoy people. When you are building your so caught up in it that it occupies your life and you have nothing else interesting to say. People who aren't building aren't able to engage in your conversation.

deluxes · Aug 07, 2014 6:19 pm

Ponzu

there is another aspect to this -

some people who are building cant help but rI ub others up the wrong way about it - EG they bang on about how much their marble tiles from Italy are costing, or their ebony floors, or how their home theater has cost a fortune in soundproofing for their 2000w hummel and klein audio set up.

Sometimes those people deserve a punch in the face.

As to those who are really casual about it, i get it, sometimes people are just jealous, and sometimes are disappointed that their life choices haven't put them where you are. I try to read my audience and adjust the conversation accordingly. Friends thinking about embarking on the journey are curious, poorer friends don't want to hear about it.

if youre getting snide comments or jealousy try and asses what you've just said, or how you've been acting. Its quite often the source of why people respond the way they do (not the other way around). It can be very sobering when you get called out on it.

I actually tend to agree with this.....

There will always be people out there who'll be jealous of anything another does... house building, losing a tonne of weight, getting a promotion/dream job. It happens, no doubt about it.

And yes Ponzu, some people can get a little name droppy and harp on, even irritating the people who do support them and give a damn about the build. It maybe your dream and your sole focus, but other people have their own things going on too..
Like you wouldn't bang on about getting married and wedding plans if a friend has recently busted up from a long term relationship or struggling with being single. Or sometimes there may be stuff going on behind closed doors that we don't know and our seemingly happy news has just severed a very raw nerve. Reactions may not always be as controlled as we'd like!
Doesn't make them bad people, just human (and inherently flawed).

Just on the flipside of this too, I think maybe a lot of people may secretly like the fact when others react with jealousy... hmmm

Anyhoo, just another perspective to differ from my earlier post/input on it!
Not gospel, or saying that it applies in this situation at all, but just some "shoe on the other foot" kind of thinking in general.

dvestate · Aug 07, 2014 6:35 pm

For me it was my brother in law (my sister) that made comments. Must have really had a bee in is bonnet over it as my sister and her kids have been over a few times but he doesn't want to come see the place........

Get on fine with everything else just not our new place??

bpratt · Aug 07, 2014 6:42 pm

It's not just homes either, people go on stupid for all sorts of things, call it jealousy or whatever.

My brother and sister-in-law are like this. Whenever I achieve something in my life, they imply I'm a bit of a fool for doing it. Years ago when I got my Amateur Radio (HAM) licence they were somewhat derogatory about it by saying can't you talk to people around the planet via the internet and skype ?

So far they've been less that supportive of me being an owner builder.

So what, I'm doing what I want to do, and if they don't like it they can stick it where the sun don't shine. I can do without the negativity.

CatherineandMark · Aug 07, 2014 10:01 pm

twhjc2014

Oh I'm so glad I saw this post! I thought it was only me that was experiencing this. We built about 14 years ago and our family were very happy for us. Now is time for the 'dream' house and we have had a very frosty reaction from the family - with lots of snide comments. Very sad (for them not us)

Boy I'm very sorry to hear that twhjc!

CatherineandMark · Aug 07, 2014 10:07 pm

Ponzu

there is another aspect to this -

some people who are building cant help but rub others up the wrong way about it - EG they bang on about how much their marble tiles from Italy are costing, or their ebony floors, or how their home theater has cost a fortune in soundproofing for their 2000w hummel and klein audio set up.

Sometimes those people deserve a punch in the face.

As to those who are really casual about it, i get it, sometimes people are just jealous, and sometimes are disappointed that their life choices haven't put them where you are. I try to read my audience and adjust the conversation accordingly. Friends thinking about embarking on the journey are curious, poorer friends don't want to hear about it.

if youre getting snide comments or jealousy try and asses what you've just said, or how you've been acting. Its quite often the source of why people respond the way they do (not the other way around). It can be very sobering when you get called out on it.

Ponzu, I assure you- we are not the wanky types at all. It was merely the mention of what we are going to be doing and they went bright red in the face and couldn't hide the devastated look on their face. I felt so sad. She admitted she was jealous BUT happy for me. But it was the initial shocked envious reaction that has scared me off. And I guess we had better get seasoned to it because I am positive those reactions will be about 50% of the time.

lmille32 · Aug 07, 2014 11:08 pm

Well as a 21yr old designing and building my home with my 25yr old partner I expected to get a lot of 'Oh you're much to young, are you crazy?' type stuff but I had a surprisingly positive trend in most of the responses. I think most people are too surprised to come up with anything negative on the spot haha. All my family have been really supportive and anyone else can suck it.

Perth_Euro · Aug 08, 2014 12:54 am

You can always come on here and tell us all about your build!!

"We love it"

AussieMark · Aug 08, 2014 1:49 am

Hehe I remember relatives commenting about my abilities as an accountant with snide remarks long back saying things like "i would not hire him as my accountant". My father apparently replied that its just as well because you would not be able to afford him.

Its water off a ducks back to me. I get on great with all my cousins and we are genuinely happy for each other. I think you have to develop a thick skin and as Ponzu says, our builds are just not as interesting to people not building.

Great thing about this forum to be honest, we are all mostly strangers connected by the common thread of building...... Carry on I say and Yes I cannot wait to start my build after 38 months since I started the journey. Getting there and almost got the contract and variations done...

BrandonZoe · Aug 08, 2014 10:39 am

Im at the DA stage atm but my experiences from friends and people in general has been mostly negative. Response range from:
- how can you afford to build, you only make $x, I earn more than you
- Were paying you too much. (When the boss learns that you are building)
- Why are you building a big house, do you have something to prove
- Your house is a bit small (im building a 44 builders square 2 storey home), compared to my home.
- The layout of your entire house is bad for Fengshui, you will have bad luck and bad future
- Your house is not a real house because its built by a voulumn builder, not double brick, raft slabed and will fall down in 10 years.

Then when the house gets built, its amazing how the same people who dont work in the building industry all of sudden has so much knoweleged to pick out minor faults, imperfections with the finish of the house and brag how if they were to build, this wont happen to them. Yet advice and tips prior to the build wasnt forthcoming. This happen when we built a small grannyflat as rental investmaent.

I just now try to ignore it the best I can and just think about how ggod it will be to move in. And try to surround yourself with positive people.

MadamImAdam · Aug 08, 2014 10:56 am

I make a point of never talking about our build unless asked.

I can't say I've had any overly negative reactions. I might get asked once a week how things are going and the frustrating part is either telling the same story multiple times, or not having a story to tell due to no progress.

I guess part of that is the fact that I'm the youngest in the office and they've all been there, done that - they are very accepting. Any advice I receive is delivered in a pleasant, fatherly kind of way - they are more than happy to impart knowledge.

I think in general, the negative / jealous attitudes come from similar aged peers, who for whatever reason aren't in a position to do what you're doing. To these people I'm quite frank in reply; I drive a bomb with 370,000km, you have a new $40,000 car (loan) in the driveway. That's the difference between us.

shmishmell · Aug 08, 2014 11:07 am

Funnily enough I just wrote something about this in my build thread just yesterday! I definitely don't talk about the build unless asked, but long story short; a large house plan means you will receive snide comments in equal spades to those excited you'll fill all the bedrooms with babies. :n:

deluxes · Aug 08, 2014 12:02 pm

shmishmell

Funnily enough I just wrote something about this in my build thread just yesterday! I definitely don't talk about the build unless asked, but long story short; a large house plan means you will receive snide comments in equal spades to those excited you'll fill all the bedrooms with babies. :n:

I can relate to the babies questions and having 4 bedrooms when it's just the 2 of us.... my hubby says the other rooms are there for his Star Wars toys :lol:

joannek · Aug 08, 2014 1:20 pm

Can't wait to see your Star Wars rooms deluxes he he

shmishmell · Aug 08, 2014 2:13 pm

Deluxes' home tour:

"And now, to your left you will find the droids you are looking for... and you'll also find them to your right..."

deluxes · Aug 08, 2014 2:47 pm

hahahahahaha ahhhh that's great... love it :-)

MyH1Login · Sep 09, 2014 10:08 pm

Slightly off topic, but what about people who diss others' choice of area to build? I don't deny I've been guilty of it before, but I guess ignorance is bliss.. Knowing what I know now and the struggles to even be able to build is a feat in itself, that shouldn't be sniffed at! Anyway I digress, the reason why I'm feeling ticked off is I just tried to help a fellow H1er only to be slapped with an indirect derogatory comment! Like what the? I know the area I'm building at ain't #1 but I know what I'm getting myself into, and it's what I can afford. Hmph. Ok rant over!

Stewie D · Sep 09, 2014 10:30 pm

Yeah anyone who looks down their nose at where you have invested a lot of time and money plus blood, sweat and tears to build your own home needs to have a good look at themselves in my opinion. Maybe if they live in a multi-million dollar mansion on the coast and you've built next to the train line. Their mortgage is probably a lot bigger than yours too.

Stewie

belzey · Sep 09, 2014 10:33 pm

Ponzu

there is another aspect to this -

some people who are building cant help but rub others up the wrong way about it - EG they bang on about how much their marble tiles from Italy are costing, or their ebony floors, or how their home theater has cost a fortune in soundproofing for their 2000w hummel and klein audio set up.

Sometimes those people deserve a punch in the face.

As to those who are really casual about it, i get it, sometimes people are just jealous, and sometimes are disappointed that their life choices haven't put them where you are. I try to read my audience and adjust the conversation accordingly. Friends thinking about embarking on the journey are curious, poorer friends don't want to hear about it.

if youre getting snide comments or jealousy try and asses what you've just said, or how you've been acting. Its quite often the source of why people respond the way they do (not the other way around). It can be very sobering when you get called out on it.

I agree with this as well. Not saying that everyone is like this but some are! I really only talk about my build on here and with my hubby

if someone asks I will talk about it but not too much!

Marmalade · Sep 09, 2014 10:49 pm

another way to keep people interested... plan a big housewarming party, free food and grog for all!

Watch how many people suddenly show a keen interest in your build